Feeling a little sassy lately and thought…it’s time to have a little fun around here. So I gave into the “list post” thing and well, here we are.
(Disclaimer: This post is for comedic purposes only and is not intended to shame or hurt anyone who may have a different opinion from me. Please know I’m open-minded on these opinions and will always be open to further discussion should you feel strongly about anything written here!)
Without further ado, here are a few current trends that are making me feel a little old, a little sad, and/or a little confused.
1. Velvet is back in women’s fashion
Clearly the 90s are making a comeback. It’s like everywhere I go, perfectly sensible pieces of clothing are being ruined by a fuzzy, shiny fabric I have never enjoyed and probably never will. Not in my wardrobe, anyway. My sister-in-law informs me that these people are probably to blame…just when I was asking myself “who decided this???” Turns out, someone actually does decide this. My next question…WHY?
Alternative: Uh, cotton? Something not made of a fuzzy synthetic material?
2. Instagram Photo Shoots of Everyone’s Kids
No joke. The other day I’m walking up to Target and I see a mom and her maybe 5 year-old daughter…the little girl is standing on top of one of those round red ball things, and Mom’s having her pose all different ways, trying to get different angles, etc. Meanwhile, Dad is slowly walking towards the doors with the classic “I don’t know these people/I need a beer” look on his face. Phone cameras are getting so good these days that suddenly everyone everywhere at EVERY moment is a professional photographer. But come on, aren’t we here to shop? You’re about to get sucked into the giant red bullseye for an hour longer than you probably intended anyway, because Target. Why make this experience ANY longer?? (Can I get an AMEN, Dads??)
Alternative: Leave the photo shoots to the professionals each year at Christmas or on their birthday. Or at least wait till you get home and aren’t in the cart-pushers way.
3. Intensive makeup tutorials/contouring
What happened to skin that looked like skin and not a thick coat of wall primer? Remember when you could actually see the real, beautiful shape of women’s own faces? Unless you’re in the theater or some kind of haunted house, makeup should never be a mask.
Alternative: If you’re gonna wear makeup, do so in a way that’ll highlight YOUR natural beauty instead of trying to fake someone else’s. A little tinted moisturizer and mascara goes a long way in moderation. Also: keep your skin healthy by pairing it with a good, consistent skin care routine that meets your unique needs, and you won’t need all that other junk.
Gave it a shot. Pretty much over it. I get why it’s fun for some people, but honestly with Instagram/Facebook stories out now you almost don’t need a whole separate app to chronicle your weekend trip or your night on the town anyway. I must confess, however, that I have spent too much time taking selfies with all the different little filters before. For giggles. It IS fun. But at the end of the day they end up in the trash bin on my phone anyway and the novelty definitely wears off. Plus how many different ways can a person share pictures of themselves as a dog?
Alternative: Take pictures. #nofilter. PRINT them. Make a real-life photo album or collage. Forever memories that don’t disappear after 24 hours (or whenever planned obsolescence catches up to your smart phone).
5. The half buzzed/half man-bun haircut
Okay, I’ll admit my brother-in-law (whom I love dearly) rocked this one for awhile, but when he finally shaved off the top I was beyond relieved. Some people are into it…fine. Maybe this is another one of those WWD/New York Fashion Week decisions I wasn’t made aware of? Regardless, I’ll always prefer a more traditional coiffure (and thank God, so does my husband).
Alternative: Pick one or the other. Either keep it all short or just commit and grow it all out. No more of this half and half thing.
6. Elf On The Shelf
I might get crucified for this by a few devoted parents out there, but I truly think it’s creepy. I didn’t need an elf to check up on me every day for me to believe Santa knew what I was up to, and neither should my kids. Plus that’s so much creative thought and commitment required every stinkin’ day before Christmas…isn’t Christmas Eve enough for parents to stress over???
Alternative: Santa’s got this all on his own. He’s always watching. Maybe it’s a magic crystal ball. Or he just “knows”. But he doesn’t need to send an intruder to creep on my children for a month.
Super-Alternative: “Jesus is the reason for the season”. (Note: I also think this is cheesy. True, but cheesy).
Alternative: A latte. In, you know, a mug.
8. Sour beer
Maybe I’m just not into the brewing scene enough yet, but I’ve tried a couple and so far I’m not a fan. If I wanted cider I’d order a cider. Sour is not a taste I want in a beer.
Alternative: Like I said…let beer be beer and let cider be cider.
9. Cold-shoulder tops
Rivaled only by my distaste for the velvet-resurgence, this trend has me reeling when I go shopping. Suddenly it’s in-style to take a classy top, dress, or pair of jeans, grab the kitchen shears, cut random holes out of it…then put it on the shelves and sell it for $50. In the wise words of Samantha Bee: “I’m paying for a shirt! Give me the whole f***ing shirt!!”
Alternative: A whole f***ing shirt.
10. Pumpkin Spice Everything
THERE ARE OTHER FALL FLAVORS, AMERICA. I’m all about a good candle or a pie. I do not need pumpkin spice breakfast cereal. Or beer. Or pizza??? As with most things, there has to be a line somewhere, but we seem to have crossed way over that line and into “Americans must not consume a single thing this fall that doesn’t have a pumpkin spice version of it” territory. That now includes Burts Bees, potato chips, and dog treats, ladies and gents.
Alternative: Maple. Chai. Citrus and cloves. Pumpkins and cinnamon, though they make for some tasty desserts, do not rule the world of autumn.